Flying While Black; How to Keep From Getting Kicked Off the Plane

When it comes to flying, crew members do whatever it takes to make a flight comfortable, pleasant, and most importantly, safe for their passengers. Anything, or anyone, that stands in the way of them doing their job gets removed. Like this stuff, for example.

Unsurprisingly, there’s a lot of stuff you can do on a plane that can earn you the boot. Why? Well, the flight crew is in charge and you are not. They don’t have to report an expulsion to the FAA, so they won’t hesitate to yank out any arrogant trouble making wrenches in their gears. If you’re involved in one of the following scenarios, they can snap their fingers and have you removed before you have the chance to complain on social media:

1. Not following crew instructions: Put your arrogance and “I’m descended from African Kings and Queens.” nonsense on the shelf. Aside from it not being true the flight crew don’t care about your fantasy pedigree. The flight crew are the ruling authority as soon as you set foot in their magic metal tube of flying. If you do not comply with their rules, you will be ejected—possibly mid-air if you happen to get on a Federal Air Marshal’s last nerve—or force the pilot to make an emergency landing so you can be removed. FAA regulations state “…no person may assault, threaten, intimidate, or interfere with a crew member in the performance of the crew member’s duties aboard an aircraft being operated.” This could be something as simple as not buckling your seat belt when they ask. Seriously. Basically, what they say goes. You are not in charge. Period. It doesn’t matter what color your skin is,…If you remember only one thing from this list, make it this.

2. 

   Being disruptive: Typical arrogant Black behavior like arguing, yelling, repetitious verbal diarrhea, annoying the people around you, causing a scene, or touching other passengers can get your boarding pass revoked. You ain’t in the street and the flight crew ain’t going to just let you have your way because you’re Black like these six Blacks who got arrogantly mouthy. You’ll get one warning, don’t push it. Shut up, sit down, and don’t touch anyone. Don’t believe me? Look at the picture above again. Now,…Shut up, sit down, and don’t touch anyone.

3. Being too drunk: They’re not going to give you a breathalyzer test or anything like that. They don’t have to prove anything to you or anyone else. Their place and they’re God as far as you are concerned. They don’t need you…but you apparently want to get somewhere…somewhere too far for you to walk or drive. If you can’t hold your liquor and start to become disruptive, see picture above.
4. Having a crying baby: Life is tough. So it’s tough for new parents…So what? Not the airlines problem or the other passenger’s problem. This is not a village that’s going to help you raise the result of your indiscretions. A noisy bawling screaming unruly child sucks, and if you can’t get your baby to calm down, flight crew will tell you to get off and catch a later flight when the baby has accepted its fate and decided sleeping is a better use of its time. Better living through chemicals is your responsibility or you can walk.
5. Smelling gross: If something stinks on a plane, everyone will have to smell it for the entire flight. So yes, bad body odor, excessive flatulence, and lack of personal hygiene will get you grounded…even if you’re Black. It happens more often than you’d think, and it’s listed by most airlines, like Delta, American Airlines, and United, as an offense worthy of removal. This is easily avoided by washing yourself, using a deodorant or antiperspirant, wearing special charcoal underwear or just simply correctly wearing your pants up over your fecal stained underwear.
6. Not wearing shoes: This one might seem silly, but there are two very good reasons why you need to wear shoes on a plane. The first reason is because your feet stink. The second is for safety. If there’s an emergency, the flight crew wants everybody to be able to quickly move to safety without hurting themselves. Shoes are pretty great for that.

7. 

   

   Wearing provocative clothing: That thing you’re walking down is an airplane aisle, not a fashion show runway. Carriers like American Airlines say they have the right to remove passengers who “…are clothed in a manner that would cause discomfort or offense to other passengers,” like your 300 lb Hottentot butt in spandex or <shudder> short-shorts. No, Black is not always beautiful…you’re fat, not pleasantly plump, so save the eye-damaging outfits for another time. Like when you’re alone and nobody can see you. Airlines will put your eye-bleach requiring self off the bird for the safety of others, like when United recently barred two teenage girls from a flight just for wearing leggings. And wearing a shirt that shows you to be a part of a racist violent organization like ‘Black Lives Matter’ will get you hauled off the plane too.

8. Being too big: Most airlines have rules regarding passengers who are too large to fit into plane seats or, as Delta puts it, are “…unable to sit in a seat with the seatbelt fastened.” It sounds discriminatory, but it really has to do with safety. If you can’t buckle your seat belt around your size 25 Hottentot butt, your at risk and so is the airline.
9. Being allergic to nuts: This is more for whining attention seeking liberals than Blacks. People with severe nut allergies have a hard time flying since airplanes are basically multi-million dollar peanut transporting devices. If you whine loud enough that your allergy is severe  there’s a good chance flight crew will decline your boarding for your own safety; and the preservation of their sanity.
10. Looking sick: This is a no-brainer. If you look like you have the DT’s, are puking in a garbage can by the gate, or you pronounce “I’m fine” like “Ahm fiiiine-duh,” the flight crew will keep you grounded. If you are sick, high, coked to the gills or glassy eyed tripping you really shouldn’t be around other decent people in tight spaces anyway. You ain’t back in the ghetto, you’re in the presence of the hard working people who pay your welfare.
11. Joining the “mile-high club”: You may tempted to try for some in-flight entertainment with your partner because ‘Muh D**k!’, but if you get caught you will get in trouble and be seperated, by force if necessary. Freaky Black flyers beware, save getting your freak on for when it’s appropriate, not just because you want to. Your race certainly won’t save you from being zip tied to a passenger seat, being gagged if you try to complain about it, and a trip to the jail when you land. Planes and airports are federal property. That means federal charges and serving time day for day, no probation and no parole.

So, what’s a Black person being threatened to be kicked off the plane do? For starters, comply immediately. You are not going to win if you argue here. Again: Put your arrogance and “I’m descended from African Kings and Queens.” nonsense on the shelf. Aside from it not being true the flight crew don’t care about your fantasy pedigree.  Typical arrogant Black behavior like arguing, yelling, repetitious verbal diarrhea, annoying the people around you, causing a scene, or touching other passengers will only make things worse, so don’t waste your breath…because you won’t be allowed to waste their time anyway. (See picture above) It’s like being bounced from a club—once they’ve decided to remove you, you’re out.

After you’ve been removed, don’t bother asking for another ticket. Most airlines will put a travel ban on you anyway, especially if you were removed for a serious reason and was argumentative, you can ask anyway but I assure you, you can’t outrun the computer/radio system that links the plane with the airport.

Being removed from a plane is an “involuntary denied boarding,” meaning you are not entitled to compensation as long as you did anything against the law like trespass when they demanded that you leave the plane, or stood there and argued with them because you’re Black and how dare they argue with you. If you broke the law, if you did something illegal, you’ll be arrested and won’t get anything back.

Now there’s no doubt that you will feel like you were wrongly removed from the flight, that you were somehow the victim and you can certainly file a formal complaint with the Department of Transportation. You can also try to take the fight to small claims court if you can prove some sort of financial loss <ummmm, yeah, good luck with that>. You’re free to waste your time filling out reams of paperwork for no apparent possible gain, or you can complain and ask for an apology <aaahahahahahahaha>  in the form of a flight voucher, frequent flier miles, or some other reasonable compensation for your troubles, but don’t get your hopes up. Next time act like a decent human being and you won’t be out the cost of a very expensive airline ticket.